Whales are kinda big creatures that you always notice....

Sometimes I want to be loud. I want to loose control, to scream, to dance, to wrestle in a drunken/drugged up craze as if there were no tomorrow. It makes me feel free. It let’s me release the crap that builds up and is restrained daily in my life as a ‘normal person’, especially here in Japan. Of course it is here, where I find I need this release the most, that it is most subdued. Thus far it has been all right, but I think soon something might crack at the seams and the ensuing emotional shrapnel might have a rather large explosion radius. In any case, if you see any reports of mass killings in Japan by some deranged blond girl it’s probably me. Yep.

Anywho, the past weekend was a good one. Too good in fact. So good that it’s made me really sentimental about the people who are leaving Japan this year. We had a birthday party for Jen (and others) at Kara’s place here in Shimabara and a great many people turned out. The night was full of craziness, drama, screaming, drunkenness, belligerency and even a punch or two thrown in for good measure. We had live music, lanterns, barbeques, and many, many more amenities to make up for the fact that we couldn’t have the party at the beach as had originally been planned due to the pouring rain. The nights had several good and bad points, though in my drunken state I was blissfully oblivious to all the bad crap that was going on until the following morning. I feel like it was certainly one of the most interesting nights I’ve had in Japan all year, and it was nice to have everyone that I really care about in one place. On Monday though, it just made me sad.

I don’t know why I am the way I am but I’ve always loved adventure, exploration and trying new things, yet at the same time I hate when my social situation starts to change , which happens all the time in my life. I hate loosing the people that I love. A lot of the time I do it to myself, but also a lot of the time it’s beyond my control. It’s almost as if my entire psyche were set up in such a way as to make sure that at any given moment I can’t be completely happy – that some aspect of my life will feel like its lacking. God I hate that. That’s where the running around naked in the rain part comes in. Well not really naked, but hey, when you’re totally soaked it feels like you’re naked anyways so it’s all the same really. It’s an escape. An escape from the reality that it seems I try so very hard to fit into sometimes when what I really should be doing is shaping it. Not letting it shape me. What can I say though? I never had good stamina, and shaping reality certainly requires some of that.

If I could have only one wish right now, it would be to be always surrounded by the people that I have loved the most in my life. The people that I talk to only rarely now, or often but only on msn. The people that live too far away, or will soon live really far away. The people whose praise makes me beam, and whose disapproval makes me want to cry. Those that can make me laugh by simply being themselves. Ah fuck. I really am an emotional bastard. Maybe it’s time to hit up the birth control pills instead huh? A little hormonal control never hurt anyone….or perhaps I should stick to loving plants and other inanimate objects. That’s a lot more safe I think – well emotionally anyways; and physically too so long as I stay away from cacti and such.